Terrible Tactics: Mountain Blade Wirbend

Oh ye(et) of little faith. Introductions first, my name is ChaunceyBoy, aka PthulhuCeople on PSN, aka GreenskinTrash on Twitter, aka Chauncey IRL, aka your new step uncle. I’m here to talk to you about my third favorite game: Mount and Blade: Warband. Warband is basically the best game on PC ever created and God’s gift to humanity. To generally explain the concept, Mount and Blade is an open world RPG where you travel across the kingdom of Calradia, fighting, trading, or committing petty banditry in order to buy butter. Generally the Conan approach is most common. I’ll start with some tips about the vanilla game so you all won’t suck duck dick. Google it.

Step One: Fuck Bitches, Get Money.

If you’re looking for quick cash you basically have to forget you have any morals or conscience. Slaughtering anyone weaker than yourself is basically a necessity. Start by going to the nearest village and basically buying the peasants to fight for you as slaves. Eventually they’ll become more powerful and you’ll have to show your dominance by finding the biggest of them all and sodomizing him. Fun times.

Step Two: Sell your body.

Joining a kingdom as a mercenary is the best way to fast track you into being a rich vassal. You get paid a stipend depending on the quality and number of troops in your party, so try to stack up your men. Or women, you can have women too, it’s just they’re much weaker, obviously. I’m not misogynistic, the game is. I’m a little misogynistic. Eventually you’ll get to either renew your contract or leave for another kingdom. If you want to stay you should become a vassal instead. You’ll get the worst village in the kingdom as a fief, so you’ll have to do some work.

Step a Three: Get bitches and also money.

Once you become a vassal lord you’ll want to court literally every single maiden in the land until you find an appropriate hole to cream in. Crass I know, but fuck you this is my post. Once you can marry a fine honey you’re going to have to pay a dowry. Most of them are extremely expensive, but generally women sell better. So you’ll want to raid every village in a rival kingdom. Or a friendly kingdom, it doesn’t really matter.

Follow this advice and you’ll be king of California in no time. I’ll probably make another guide about something I like later. Maybe Hotline Miami.

Thanks for reading, and have you accepted the lord into your life?

Submitted May 19, 2018 at 10:19AM by Vammarson https://ift.tt/2rX9S1o